Ask Chaaths-Neb, the Eternal Pharaoh

What's the deal with space aliens? — Casey Garske

WHAT IS THIS FOOLISH MORTAL, WHO WISHES TO LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE OUTLANDERS?  HEAR A TALE OF PATHETIC WRETCHES TOO WEAK TO SURVIVE ON ANY WORLD: FOR UNTOLD MILLENNIA, THE INVADERS FROM THE SKY HAVE COME TO CARCOSA TO PILLAGE ITS BOUNTY.  THEIR BULBOUS HEADS LACK THE SECRETS OF SORCERY OR THE CAPACITY FOR PSIONICS.  THEIR TECHNOLOGY CANNOT PENETRATE THE PSYCHIC BARRIERS I HAVE ERECTED AROUND MYSELF.  THEY MINE, THEY EXPERIMENT, BUT THEY ARE CHILDREN BEFORE THE MIGHT OF THE MUMMIES OF THE RADIOACTIVE DESERT OR OF THE OLD ONES THAT SLUMBER WITHIN CARCOSA.  THE WILL AND WISDOM OF NYARLATHOTEP WILL FORCE THE BULBOUS-HEADED SKY-MEN TO FLEE FROM SAVAGE CARCOSA.  SURELY, THE DOOM OF FALLING STARS WILL SCOUR THEIR GREY PLAGUE FROM THIS LAND.

THEY ARE DOOMED TO EXTINCTION, JUST AS THE SERPENT MEN BEFORE THEM.

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Dear C-N,

I'm having some problems with my coworkers. We run a cleaning and home repair service and we were hired to clean up this old abandoned structure. We kicked out the squatters, patched up some electrical problems, scrubbed up some slime, nothing out of the ordinary. It's taking time, but we're getting the job done. Then some people came over and everybody slowed down. This one guy, real cold and stiff sort, tried to slip out while no one was paying attention. Two of my crew decided to lie down on the job rather than help clear out the room. Personally, I don't think it's appropriate or professional for the team leader to "take a dirt nap" with the only woman on the team. And plus, the one chain smoker in the group decided to step out into the hall, light one up, and broke this old jar with some nasty fluid inside. It made a huge mess all over the hall. I've been with most of these guys since we were in the military and I'd trust them with my life, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Scaled and Frustrated in Carcosa

YOU ARE A DICK.

ADVICE FROM CHAATHS-NEB

BEHOLD THE ETERNAL PHARAOH, CHAATHS-NEB

So I've been running two 4e groups through the first level of my Carcosa megadungeon in preparation for finalizing it and running it on Google+ (probably in Labyrinth Lord), and one of the adventuring parties encountered a bombastic mummy brain called Chaaths-Neb.

Despite the fact that they killed him, he lives on eternally — because I think he's going to start an advice column:

IMPUDENT MORTALS, BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT AND COLLECTED WISDOM OF CHAATHS-NEB, THE ETERNAL PHARAOH OF THE RADIOACTIVE DESERT.  THE HERALD OF NYARLATHOTEP AND THE OMNISCIENT SEER OF FALLEN STARS AND BARREN WASTES CALLS UPON MILLENNIA OF FORBIDDEN WISDOM AND LORE.  BRING YOUR PATHETIC QUERIES BEFORE THE MIGHT OF THE ETERNAL PHARAOH, AND PERHAPS HE SHALL MERCIFULLY GIFT YOU WITH SOME OF HIS BOUNDLESS KNOWLEDGE.

(If you ask for advice in the comments, Chaaths-Neb will respond over time.  If I get enough of a response, this might become a regular feature.  Feel free to submit your queries in "Dear Abbey" fashion, signed with a descriptive anonymous tag.)